Broken Circle

Posted on Fri Sep 22nd, 2023 @ 8:33pm by Cadet Senior Grade Toareth Darqa

1,166 words; about a 6 minute read

Mission: 0 - Assignment Day
Location: City Outskirts
Timeline: Current

It was night. There was a slight breeze and barely a chill in the air. The lights of the city provided little save for the constant remembrance that the city was there. Leaves rustled in the moving air adding to the chirping insects of the night; making nature’s music. The only other sound was Rodh, lightly beating upon his drum and softly singing away a song in praise of someone named Hecate Ceridwyn. Toareth was not really listening to the words. She really enjoyed just the somber sound and the feeling of being with people of like mind; sitting alone amongst a group. They all sat in a large circle, upon the ground and around a lit device.

Seeing as how the cemetery administration really did not like them building a real fire, the next best thing was a holopad producing a hologram of a fire.

Yrin sat behind Toareth, embracing her as she enjoyed doing. Toareth always seemed indifferent, distant, not enjoying being held thus but also not finding un-enjoyment. The thought Toareth always went back to upon thinking of allowing a relationship to blossom was that in 20 years, whoever she would end up with would eventually appear as though her parent, later her grandparent. And Toareth would age along with the trees it seemed.

Yrin knew the truth just as everyone, but she did not mind; at least not yet. Toreath knew that, at a point in the future, Yrin would want someone her own age or appeared as though. Though Toareth fit the bill for the moment, it would be a far different thing in as little as a single decade.

Toareth looked among the faces sitting around. That was all she saw, was faces. As everyone wore black, Toareth included, they all blended in with the night. Only the flickering light of the holo-fire betrayed their garb time and again. Toareth did not need to see Yrin’s face. She knew she was there. That cold embrace held on as though holding on to life. Toareth could feel her warm breath on her neck.

“I have to go again,” Toareth finally spoke.

Rodh did not stop his praise of Hecate Ceridwyn, but did grant Toareth his attention.

“Again,” said Yrin. Her embrace of Toareth grew slightly. “You just got back…what…a few weeks ago?”

“Yeah,” said the circle leader who called himself Skull, “and you are off again? Where to now?

Toreath shook her head slightly so as to not disturb Yrin burying her face in the pocket of her neck where her shoulder met.

“OK. How long?” asked Skull.

“I do not know. This time it is official Starfleet busi…”

There were plenty of scoffs. It actually threw Rodh off his beat a little.

“Starfleet,” said Skull, “what do they want? Except for ripping you from our circle.”

“Well I joined the Academy and have to go on a cadet cruise.”

“When did you join the Academy?” asked Yrin, finally loosening her embrace of Toareth enough to hold her to the side so she could look at her.

The honest answer was ‘never’ but Toareth knew she could not give that answer. “It has been off and on attendance for a couple of years now.” To the rest of the circle, “Mostly when I have been away.”

“Do you know,” started Skull, “how many of us are frequently absent? How many from this circle have discreetly been attending the Academy? And how many from our group to have ever joined Starfleet?” And before Toareth could begin into an answer, “None. Not one of use has ever gone there.”

“You make it sound like a stinging insult,” Toareth said with a singular laughing break in her voice.

“Well, it is,” said Skull. “What can Starfleet provide you with? What can you gain by hopping about the stars when you have us, when you have this circle and this place?”

Skull was right, but Toareth was not going to let him know that. In fact, he was more right then he knew. The thing that Toareth wanted the most was to fit in and to find someone, a group even, that she could grow with, perhaps grow old with. It was the last part there that she knew Starfleet could not provide her with, that not even this circle and this group of goths could provide her with. In short, this group could provide her with nothing more than Starfleet. In that respect, she felt more inclined to go than ever.

Yrin went back to embracing Toareth, complete with her face back at the base of her neck. “Don’t go Toar. We need you here.”

“Do we?” Skull spoke up. “Do we…need you here?”

Toareth did not know how to answer.

“Are you one of us, Toar? Or are we just a stopping point for you on your trek through life? Oh I am aware of the El-Aurian condition. You are…what…6 times the age of everyone here, yet appear the same age as all of us? Give it 20 years and we are old, have moved on perhaps. And you…your hair has grown longer maybe? Is that what this is? We accepted you Toar. We took you into our circle. We still accept you and will always accept you. But now…right now…is where you need to make that final decision. Are you one of us? Or was I right in that we are but a stopping point for you?”

By this point, Rodh had stopped singing. Everyone seemed frozen in time as they awaited Toar’s answer. She could tell even Yrin was concerned as her embrace of Toareth lessened, tightened, then lessened again.

“I…” Toareth started. Everyone held their breath anxiously waiting for her answer. “I do not know where I belong.” Yrin’s embrace of Toareth grew tighter, more sorrowful.

“Or with whom you belong?” asked Skull.

It was maybe an hour later and Toareth was walking back toward the Academy. Very little words were shared after her admittance. In fact, the whole gathering started crumbling shortly thereafter. Seeing as how her walk got her to where she was in what seemed to have been an hour, she realized the circle’s gathering had finished only minutes after her admittance. No one said ‘goodbye’ or ‘good luck’, they just stopped what they were and dispersed.

Toareth did not feel down or dejected. Or maybe she did. Because this was how she felt almost always, so it was just an average day, an average night, another average gathering. Though she felt this time was the last time she would be a part of that circle. It was time to find another circle. Perhaps Starfleet could provide one. Somehow, though, Toareth doubted it.

For the time being, as it had always been, it was her taking things one day at a time. During her walk back to the Academy, it was one foot at a time.

 

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