Repercussions

Posted on Fri Sep 15th, 2023 @ 1:12am by Cadet Junior Grade Noxi Harrison & Cadet Senior Grade Riaothren(Ren) ch'Shaorhs

2,208 words; about a 11 minute read

Mission: 0 - Assignment Day
Location: Counselling Office
Timeline: Four months before Assignment Day?

Ren could feel the familiar cold emanating from all around him. It felt good. True he could endure high temperatures if need be, they didn't bother him, but he was most comfortable when it was cold, far below what pinkskins would find tolerable.

It was like he was back on Andor.

No not like. He was on Andor.

As he looked around him he realized, however impossible it was that he was no longer at the Academy, he was back home. He knew what was happening next. This had happened so many times before, but just like all those previous times, he was unable to prevent it from taking place. Just like he'd been unable to stop it the first time.

One foot moved ahead of the other. Then that foot moved forward. Foot by foot he moved into the hallway from his room. Then down the long corridor. He climbed the stairs that he could not remember being there. When he got to the top there was a door. He opened it and went through. Then there was another door. And a door after that. A dozen all told.

Even before he stepped through the final door, he smelled copper in the air. He tried to keep his hand from opening the door, but could not. Or perhaps he did and the door just opened of its own volition.

There was the body of Ashov his Chan, with Tynoos his Tharan standing above him, holding a bloodstained ushaan and laughing.

Before he could cry out, or reply the whole scene faded away.

He awoke half on and half off his bed, legs entangled in the sheets. Once his heart rate returned to normal, he reached up and untwisted the sheets.

He thought he'd put the nightmare behind him. But this was the third time in a month that he'd had it. Anymore sleep the rest of the night was impossible. The next morning, after donning his cadet uniform, he headed to the counseling office. Then he stepped through the door.

Noxi was at the desk, reading through both assignments and case files. This would prove to be an interesting posting, for sure. Many different people from all walks of life she certainly had her work cut out for her. She glanced up at the Andorian who entered the office and smiled.

"Hello. How can I help you today?" She asked. The Bajoran/Human hybrid was a pretty girl, but serious at her job and liked her work. She sipped a sip of tea and then smiled. "Do you have an appointment, or just drop in? Dr. Bassett is with a patient, but I can see you if you don't mind a cadet," she said.

The Andorian ran his hands up and down the sides of his uniform pants. His eyes were looking at the counseling cadet, but his antennae were twitching side to side.

"No, I don't have an appointment," Ren replied. "I don't mind a cadet at all."

"Lead the way."

Noxi nodded put her files aside, and stood up, grabbing her PADD. "Ok, come along. Do you want some coffee or tea?" She asked. "We have a basic replicator here." She ushered the man into a treatment room. Someday, when she was a real counselor, she'd decorate it how she liked. But for now, the room was pretty basic few chairs and just a few posters on the wall of various planets and star stations. She would like to paint it, maybe a calming lavender or dove grey. But her instructor had nixed that. Oh, well.

"So. First of all, what is your name? I am Cadet Lieutenant Noxi Harrison. It's good to meet you. Anything you say here will be kept private; all I tell Dr. Bassett is that you came in to see someone, and I was able to assist, OK? He gets no details unless you're in danger of hurting yourself or others, but that's not common," she said.

"I recognize you," the Andoraian said, "I've seen you around campus some. I am Senior Cade Riaothren ch'Sharohs, but you can just call me Ren. All my friends do, and it's easier."

"Tea would be great thanks. And I appreciate the confidentiality. I've spoken to counselors before. It's good to know you'll keep what I tell you confidentially as well. It's reassuring."

"I thought I had put everything behind me, but I keep having nightmares. The same one, over and over again. Three times this month so far."

Noxi stood up for a moment and crossed to the replicator. She prepared some tea and then returned to Ren. "Here you go," she said. "I see, so you know the drill. I guess we can start at the beginning, then. Tell me what kind of dream it is?"

"It's not so much a dream as it is a twisted remembrance of something that happened when I was sixteen. something I can't see. I walked into talk to my chan, one of my fathers. My then, or my other father, had just killed him. I ran over to try to do something, but he was already dead. It was too late."

Noxi nodded. "I understand that is a very traumatic and upsetting thing to see. I hope justice was served. Can you tell me what preceded the visions returning?" She asked, quietly. "I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you have some peace around that, as well. If you're ever interested in grief counseling, we can help you with that," she said.

Ren sat up a little straighter crossing his arms in front of his chest, both antennae now rigidly straight. "No," he said his voice dropping in volume. "Justice was not served. Tynoss, my thaan, had challenged Ashav to a duel. So, everything was," he paused making Terran air quotes with his fingers, fair and legal. There was nothing that could be done. He's still walking around."

"What triggered it? I'm not sure, but it was on the same day that I got my ass handed to me in a training exercise."

Noxi nodded and made a note on her PADD. "I am sorry that justice wasn't served. That's...terrible," she said. She almost said a curse in Bajoran but caught herself in time. "My mother is Bajoran and our people believe in something akin to Karma. I find that it helps me a little to think that, in time, the Universe will right those wrongs, even if I can't witness it," she said. "I can see how messing up in a training exercise could trigger these visions. Sometimes, it takes us back to those feelings-perhaps a bit of fear and helplessness. Especially as we're getting closer to our Cadet ship assignments. I know I've been nervous!"

"Maybe I am a little nervous about our assignment. And what happens beyond the cadet cruise. But losing actually caused anger rather than fear."

Noxi nodded. "That makes sense. Part of the stages of grief is anger. And of course, a cadet in your standing, slated to be the Helmsman, I would expect a bit of nervousness. I'd be far more worried if you reported that you weren't," she said. "That said, let's pivot back to your anger. How do you normally cope with that?" She asked.

"Anger is something I've dealt with in the past. So I've been working on coping mechanisms. So, if I'm in a good head space, I'll go and paint. If I'm not, I lash out and get in a fight. Usually, it's just verbal, but I've been in a brawl or two before."

Noxi nodded. "Painting is a good skill!! Fighting, not so much, but it IS understandable. Has anyone ever told you about box breathing? It sounds corny, but it really DOES work. I can show you, if you'd like. It's pretty easy. You just inhale, think of a box shape in your head, hold for each corner-or a four count-and then release. Do it a couple of times. Sometimes, all we need is to remind ourselves that we're alive," she said.

""Thanks, I enjoy painting, it's a nice outlet. But, when I'm doing it to relieve stress, manage my anger, it's pretty dark. I hear what you about fighting being understandable and, I suppose you're right. Even though Tynoos says I'm not a true Andorian, I know that I am. Andorians are more militant than pin... humans, we always have been, but I can't use my heritage as an excuse for bad behavior."

"I'm willing to try your suggestion, that breathing thing. Should I try it now?"

Noxi nodded. "I will do it, too," she said. "Ok, inhale-" she did, deeply. "Hold for a four count. 1-2-3-4. Release." She let the breath out. "Do it a few times maybe three or four." She indicated that he should try it. "I find that it's a good first step, and then I can tap into coping skills a bit easier." She said. "I know it sounds corny, but..maybe just try it!"

Ren's left brow quirked up, his antennae quirked forward as he watched and she spoke. He mirrored her actions then. That does work," he said, "but how do I remember that in the middle of a situation?"

She shrugged lightly. "Practice, unfortunately," she said. "You could consider writing yourself a note that you keep someplace conspicuous. Like on your notebook or something," she said. "That may help, too. Until it is a habit. I sometimes have to do that with new things myself," she said. "And it is OK to not remember right away. No one achieves perfection every single time. It is what sets us apart from the Androids and the robots," she said. "Ok, what do you do to fall asleep at night?" She asked.

The breathing exercise had done its job and he was leaning back in the chair. His posture was still straight, but he was more relaxed. The corners of his mouth curled up in a smile that might have been impish.

"Sex works," he said, "but usually I don't have a problem. I'm studying, involved with group projects, and I do some martial arts training. So I'm usually asleep within ten minutes. Usually. But sometimes I get a thought stuck in my head and I play it over and over again in my mind."

Noxi chuckled. "I am sure it does," she said. "That's good. I find that sometimes, people who are experiencing nightmares have problems sleeping the next day. I am glad that those things help. When you are ruminating on a thought, something you can do is to get up and write it down. You can also try listening to quiet music. I hope you find something that works for you," she said. "One more thing. When you have these dreams, do you often realize it's a dream, or does it feel real?" She asked.

"That's a good question. I'm not sure how I can answer it. Most of the time it seems real, like I'm seeing it play out again in my mind exactly like it did when it actually happened. Other times, like last night, it was darker and more scary. In real life, my bedroom was at one end of the hall, and my parents were at the other end. And our home wasn't that large.

"Last night there were stairs that weren't there. and I kept opening doors expecting the next door I opened would be an exit out of the house. Instead, finally, I was back in their room. I knew that wasn't real, that it couldn't be happening, but I don't think I was really conscious of the fact that it was a dream.

If any of that makes any sense.

Noxi simply nodded. She didn't say anything. Yet.

"As to your other suggestion about writing a thought down, I'm not sure how writing it down when it's stuck in my head would work. Can you tell me how that's supposed to work? "

"Well. If you can get it out of your head, perhaps it won't loop. There's an old Terran belief that if you write a letter to someone who's wronged you, and then burn it, it goes out into the Universe and becomes void-that is, karma won't bother you but you released the feelings," she said. "And your description of your dreams is actually very common in trauma survivors. So don't feel like you're alone in that. Grief and healing have no linear journey-sometimes, you feel perfectly fine. Sometimes, you feel rage. Other times, hopeless. That's ok," she said.

"I do think listening to quiet music makes a lot of sense. I'll definitely try that."

She smiled and nodded encouragingly. "I hope it helps. Do you have any more questions or things to discuss today? You are welcome to take as long as you'd like." She said.

"No, I don't have any more questions, you've been a big help. Thanks."

Noxi smiled. "You're welcome. I hope to see you again," she said. "Let me walk you out." She stood up and led Ren to the door, and then to the waiting room.



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